Ahh, the holidays. A time for peace on earth, making memories with family and friends, and giving. The holidays give us all the feels, and just around the corner – time to ring-a-ding-ding in the New Year! You want to keep the feeling of peace and serenity that has enveloped you during the holiday break, and you start thinking of how to make that happen.
It’s time for some changes in your life, darn it! Time to turn over a new leaf, and what better time to make it happen than with the start of a new year? Sure, you’ve made resolutions in the past, but this year you really mean it! This year, it’s going to stick!
To help set you up for success here is a mindful list of common resolutions (according to Google), compiled and coupled with less-than-ideal places you will want to be when you make them. Starting off the new year strong, and setting realistic expectations for yourself, are key to keeping those resolutions. Do not be one of these cautionary tales!
Resolve to Share the Name of God/Allah/Jehovah…
…at a Slayer or Gwar concert.
Unless, of course, you’re a satanist.
Because I doubt anyone enjoying the classic tune “I Will Eat Your Children” will be receptive to the word of God, or respectful of your desire to stay far away from the mosh pit.
He wants to eat your children. Run.
Resolve to Enjoy Life to the Fullest…
Because when you say “to the fullest” you don’t actually mean everything that entails in Vegas. Right?
If I’m wrong, here’s a fun list of to-dos while you’re lifespan rapidly declines:
- stay in the Palms $40,000 per night penthouse suite
- drop mad bills on bottle service everywhere you go
- zip around in a $400,000 rental car
- buy-in to the most expensive poker games
- stay out every night until the sun comes up only to power nap until noon before partying in your poolside cabana and staying out until the sun comes up again
- gorge at Nobu for every meal
- probably get arrested at some point
If that’s how you mean to live life to the fullest, by all means make your resolution in Vegas.
And don’t forget to get suckered into buying a handmade Civil war-era chess set at the pawn shop while you’re there, too.
Live life to the fullest in Vegas? Fully intoxicated, for sure.
Resolve to start a new hobby…
…while watching Doomsday Preppers on TV.
Yes, it’s impressive the lengths some people can, and have, gone to in preparation for the end of the world. But if it’s a choice between devoting your life to prepping for the imminent devastation of the planet, or say, learning to play guitar, doesn’t the guitar sound way more hobby-ish and enjoyable?
Besides, zombies don’t discriminate – they care not if you have 10,000 jars of pickled cabbage in a bunker, they’re still gonna getcha.
So prepping for the end of the world is your new hobby? Here’s your first purchase. Or you could just go get a guitar.
Resolve to Lose Weight
…as you embark on a month-long tour of Italy.
You just paid thousands of dollars to go eat salad in a different country? That was stupid. And they don’t serve salads as a meal in Italy.
Started your diet while on vacation? Enjoy the basil leaf on top of this bolognese – it’s the only thing on the plate you can eat.
Resolve to Start Following a Budget…
…while sitting at the casino.
You’re more likely to bankrupt your family than you are to stick to that budget while the complimentary beverages flow at the blackjack table. Sitting in your home office with a spreadsheet in front of you would be more appropriate, my friend.
“I should really get to creating that budget I’ve been thinking about.” Said no one ever at the poker table.
Resolve to Update Your Look
…at a tattoo parlor.
Making an ambiguous resolution like this in a tattoo parlor has “bad decision” written all over it. No matter what Mickey-the-tattoo-guy says, inking knitting needles on your ankle to memorialize your favorite hobby will not make you look cool. Or “updated.”
The regrettable barbed wire tattoo trend of 1996 that claimed thousands. Don’t be a statistic.
With these basic guidelines in mind, and an honest assessment of your life and its priorities, you are ready to make your resolution. Be intentional, be realistic…and don’t roll the dice.